Really?

Haha, so I haven't bothered re-reading the previous posts but I'm pretty certain they were lame. I mean, really? Could I have cried out for attention anymore? I am a fucking emo kid stuck in a 24-year old's body. Maybe a teen becomes an emo kid because they don't have anyone to spill their inner thoughts to. I've definitely worked on being more open with some close buddies. It feels really good. I just wish I had a girl that I liked enough (who liked me as well) that I could bear my soul to. I totally would.

I really thought Nicole would be that person but I've realized I was the victim of reaching for affection. Every time we hung out there would be at least one statement that made me think she still was into me. But her lack of respect in responding to texts and complete avoidance of making plans finally wore down on me. I totally see it. I do really want to make her want me again but I also really want to meet her friends. If she isn't interested, I'm sure there are other ES hotties.

I'm actually sort-of surprised that I feel as bad as I do. When she blew me off Thursday night and Friday for lunch, I was a total mess. I couldn't work. I couldn't concentrate on anything else. I started to dry heave. Then I ate a doughnut and actually heaved up. But that was due to bulimia. Why I feel surprised is because I never thought Nicole was long-term. She easily could have been. She's gorgeous, green-eyed, and smart as hell. Plus a space-chic to boot. But there were certain random comments that threw me off a bit. Also, I never planned on being with her for more than a year. I'm looking for someone to gain girlfriend experience but not weigh me down when I try to leave for Chicago, a new job, or business school.

I'm shocked by my hardcore feelings. Nicole definitely makes my top 5 list of loves. Ali, Kathleen, Sarah, Charlotte, and Nicole. All beautiful but have fucked me up. The first two fucked me up psychologically, leading to the last three slowly saving me. I can't blame Ali and Kathleen though. They were just enablers. I really think I'm growing though. The second I reach my pinnacle though, I will be a fucking lady killer.

Fuck, I can't wait!