Haha, so I haven't bothered re-reading the previous posts but I'm pretty certain they were lame. I mean, really? Could I have cried out for attention anymore? I am a fucking emo kid stuck in a 24-year old's body. Maybe a teen becomes an emo kid because they don't have anyone to spill their inner thoughts to. I've definitely worked on being more open with some close buddies. It feels really good. I just wish I had a girl that I liked enough (who liked me as well) that I could bear my soul to. I totally would.
I really thought Nicole would be that person but I've realized I was the victim of reaching for affection. Every time we hung out there would be at least one statement that made me think she still was into me. But her lack of respect in responding to texts and complete avoidance of making plans finally wore down on me. I totally see it. I do really want to make her want me again but I also really want to meet her friends. If she isn't interested, I'm sure there are other ES hotties.
I'm actually sort-of surprised that I feel as bad as I do. When she blew me off Thursday night and Friday for lunch, I was a total mess. I couldn't work. I couldn't concentrate on anything else. I started to dry heave. Then I ate a doughnut and actually heaved up. But that was due to bulimia. Why I feel surprised is because I never thought Nicole was long-term. She easily could have been. She's gorgeous, green-eyed, and smart as hell. Plus a space-chic to boot. But there were certain random comments that threw me off a bit. Also, I never planned on being with her for more than a year. I'm looking for someone to gain girlfriend experience but not weigh me down when I try to leave for Chicago, a new job, or business school.
I'm shocked by my hardcore feelings. Nicole definitely makes my top 5 list of loves. Ali, Kathleen, Sarah, Charlotte, and Nicole. All beautiful but have fucked me up. The first two fucked me up psychologically, leading to the last three slowly saving me. I can't blame Ali and Kathleen though. They were just enablers. I really think I'm growing though. The second I reach my pinnacle though, I will be a fucking lady killer.
Fuck, I can't wait!
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Friday, July 31, 2009
Twice???
Yep, that's right world of (hopefully only) one. Two in one night. I'm what you'd call prolific.
Actually, I just wanted to comment on the reason I started this blog on Friday, July 31st, 2009, just after midnight. July 30th has been denoted as the end of phase one of my life. It died when I ate a tub of cookie dough ice cream around 9pm, to match the 1300 calories I had eaten up to that point. Then to top it off, I decided to eat 2 chalupas, a soft taco, a double cheeseburger, and fries in 20 minutes. Oh, don't worry too much. In phase one, I was bulimic off-and-on. And, it was on twice tonight.
But I'm done with all of that. Phase two is all about discipline, follow-through, and confidence. I'm a new man with a new public accountabil-a-buddy. Haha, I bet I drop this shit by the end of next week.
Actually, I just wanted to comment on the reason I started this blog on Friday, July 31st, 2009, just after midnight. July 30th has been denoted as the end of phase one of my life. It died when I ate a tub of cookie dough ice cream around 9pm, to match the 1300 calories I had eaten up to that point. Then to top it off, I decided to eat 2 chalupas, a soft taco, a double cheeseburger, and fries in 20 minutes. Oh, don't worry too much. In phase one, I was bulimic off-and-on. And, it was on twice tonight.
But I'm done with all of that. Phase two is all about discipline, follow-through, and confidence. I'm a new man with a new public accountabil-a-buddy. Haha, I bet I drop this shit by the end of next week.
Go Away World
I hope no one ever reads this blog. No, I'm not following the Cartman theory of marketing, I just truly do not want anyone to read what I write. Most of the posts will resolve around how lame or depressed or awesome I've been and that's probably of little concern to the majority of the world.
Accounting for Tugboat is being used as a method for me to feel some type of accountability for my actions. I learned the hard way back in 5th grade that I will coast until a deadline. Things haven't changed in the 13 years that followed. I've been on cruise control and missed out on a lot of shit, leaving a multitude of regrets. Now that I have turned 24 years old, twelve days ago, I realize I need to finish many things and get the full experience of youth.
I've decided on three personality traits to concentrate on. Three is a holy number. Though I'm not religious, OCD sometimes grabs a hold of me and makes me do things in twos but mostly fours. But I can be content with three since it is long enough to be a list but not overwhelm me with shit to fret about. Also, three is concise and to the point. Without further ado, here they are:
1) Discipline
2) Follow-through
3) Confidence
Discipline covers two things in my life, weight-loss and schedule keeping. Starting three years ago and ending thirteen months ago, I lost 80 pounds. Going from 240 lbs. to 160 lbs. has really helped me to get on track but I've still got plenty of stomach fat. Everywhere else, I'm fit guy. And not to sound arrogant, but I am a good looking guy. Well, no need for modesty, an insanely handsome guy that's been told by multiple people I could be a model. Of course I laugh at them because of the belly fat that is being covered up by my still slightly present manboobs and the fact I am only 5'8''. Schedule keeping is kinda self-explanatory. I just make a lot of schedules and then blow them off. I need to quit that.
Follow-through could be argued as too similar to schedule keeping but is a serious enough issue to warrant its own bullet point. An example of lacking follow-through can be seen in the sports taken up at different points of time. I have always been good at everything I try and can dominate early. However, I don't put the time, work, and concentration in to become a master of any sport. I started two and a half years for the varsity high school lacrosse team. Fairly impressive since we were a good team that went to the state finals my junior year. I never rose above the third best defender on the field though was the only starter that entire stretch.
Finally, confidence. This is mostly for the ladies and office politics. Ladies like a confident guy and I am not confident. I'm actually paranoid and analyze (or over-analyze) every action I or someone else makes. For me, it is a struggle to translate how I feel in my mind to the actions performed by my body. I am working on it though. Rule #1 from my most recent motivational tool failure: Confidence - It's true everyone wants to fuck you.
Accounting for Tugboat is being used as a method for me to feel some type of accountability for my actions. I learned the hard way back in 5th grade that I will coast until a deadline. Things haven't changed in the 13 years that followed. I've been on cruise control and missed out on a lot of shit, leaving a multitude of regrets. Now that I have turned 24 years old, twelve days ago, I realize I need to finish many things and get the full experience of youth.
I've decided on three personality traits to concentrate on. Three is a holy number. Though I'm not religious, OCD sometimes grabs a hold of me and makes me do things in twos but mostly fours. But I can be content with three since it is long enough to be a list but not overwhelm me with shit to fret about. Also, three is concise and to the point. Without further ado, here they are:
1) Discipline
2) Follow-through
3) Confidence
Discipline covers two things in my life, weight-loss and schedule keeping. Starting three years ago and ending thirteen months ago, I lost 80 pounds. Going from 240 lbs. to 160 lbs. has really helped me to get on track but I've still got plenty of stomach fat. Everywhere else, I'm fit guy. And not to sound arrogant, but I am a good looking guy. Well, no need for modesty, an insanely handsome guy that's been told by multiple people I could be a model. Of course I laugh at them because of the belly fat that is being covered up by my still slightly present manboobs and the fact I am only 5'8''. Schedule keeping is kinda self-explanatory. I just make a lot of schedules and then blow them off. I need to quit that.
Follow-through could be argued as too similar to schedule keeping but is a serious enough issue to warrant its own bullet point. An example of lacking follow-through can be seen in the sports taken up at different points of time. I have always been good at everything I try and can dominate early. However, I don't put the time, work, and concentration in to become a master of any sport. I started two and a half years for the varsity high school lacrosse team. Fairly impressive since we were a good team that went to the state finals my junior year. I never rose above the third best defender on the field though was the only starter that entire stretch.
Finally, confidence. This is mostly for the ladies and office politics. Ladies like a confident guy and I am not confident. I'm actually paranoid and analyze (or over-analyze) every action I or someone else makes. For me, it is a struggle to translate how I feel in my mind to the actions performed by my body. I am working on it though. Rule #1 from my most recent motivational tool failure: Confidence - It's true everyone wants to fuck you.
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